Bounce

9 Sep

Nope.  Still no bouncing baby boy or girl in sight.  I’m still far from having one actually.  Not that I can’t.  For the meantime, I chose not to. Yup, you heard me, I refused to.  Kick me out of the TTC bandwagon then, if you must.  Who knows, maybe later, I might tell you why.

It’s been a year since my last miscarriage.  Yes, surprisingly, I decided to write once again to commemorate my 2nd supposedly baby and what I went through.  I just found the urge to write and update my 3 followers, well, I think they deserve an update after they clicked my subscription button, don’t they? I am what you call an occasional blogger.   As you can see, I have been consistent, writing only if an occasion, in this case, a miscarriage happens.  So I’m putting a stop to it.  For a time, I resisted writing.  I resisted a lot of things actually.  I resisted all exams given by my OB. I just stopped doing something to my body. Enough already, I said.

2011 was a very difficult year for me.  Last time I heard, the first year of marriage is supposed to be the most blissful year of a husband and wife, being newlyweds and all that exciting stuffs newlyweds are supposed to experience (fine, having a baby is one of them).  I’m not bitter, actually.  It’s just that I expect things to be “normal” but unfortunately, it’s not. 

2011 may have ended emotionally difficult. I was mourning, if that’s what you call it.  But as 2012 unfolded, I felt positive that this year will be different.  How or Why, I don’t know.  I just know it will be a better year.  I was very optimistic.  I believe that PAIN is a big part of God’s great PLAN for me.  I surrendered everything to Him.

Then I started living.

I embraced the fact that, maybe, this isn’t for me at the moment.  At the right time, I believe it will be given.  It will truly be a wonderful gift.

I decided to start my journey towards TTC once again by starting to write here again.  Hopefully, this time around, as I go through this journey, the end result will be positive. 

Restless

12 Oct

feelThis sinking feeling of emptiness and loss is killing me, I have to write about it, get it out of me, else, it will consume me.

Sometimes, I feel I am just overreacting, that maybe, this is what I want to feel, then so it is.  Why, oh why, do I have to cope with this? What kind of recovering do I need? How the heck would you know if you’re recovering? S**t! This is making me insane.  This is far more difficult than recovering from a break-up!

Depression after a miscarriage (in my case, miscarriages) are subjects that you don’t discuss to friends, to family, sometimes, not even your husband.  Either you go through it alone or torture other people with your constant whining of your emotional and mental misery. So I chose the former.  I chose to sulk in my deep frustrations,  trying to find answers alone and wander about the small stuffs including the what-ifs and other forms of self-remorse.  Yes, it seems like, on this cloudy day, the world seems blank, seems hopeless and no amount of reading about positive outlook and attitudes can change my assessment and view of my current state of life.

I am THAT depressing. 

But I ‘m good at hiding it.  This is not something you just tweet about or put in your FB status update.  Why shout it out that you’re going through it anyway?When friends ask how am I , I usually answer back with, “I’m okay, I’m moving on” and I usually get comforting replies of support and assurance that one day, the baby will come.  I welcome those words, really, I do. But I can only answer weakly, that indeed that day will come.

I try to keep myself busy, but what I can do right now is limited, since I’m at home most of the time, still on leave, trying to recover physically.  That’s why here I am, blogging about it. Only my husband knows about this blog, anyway. It’s really not something I feel like sharing to friends or family.  I want to keep this small space that I have in the cyber world for myself. 

The internet has been a powerful tool lately in my self-recovery (if that’s what you call it).  I am in constant pursuit of looking for someone whom I can empathize with and can also empathize with me.  And the world wide web did not  fail me.   I find inspiration in what other women who has experienced  miscarriage loss go about.  Their coping mechanism, their struggles, their frustrations and their next TTC plans has given me strength to move forward, one small step at a time.  I soon realized, I am not alone.  There’s a whole bunch of mother-in-the-making out there who has experienced loss and are not ashamed to exclaim that this depression that we have right now is okay.

I am not saying that right now, I’m turning over a new leaf, a new page of my life.  The past is still the past.  As much as I would like to turn my back on it now, I think that dwelling on it, even for a while, might be good for me.  With my husband’s comforting arms around me, it feels good to cry once in a while. So, sorry, I’m refusing to move on for now. I need more time, it’s been less than a month, anyway.

I have yet to decipher what God’s message for me is, since He has given me the blow of miscarriage twice now.  It may be a lesson of faith, an awareness about hope, a strong message on values, or a blessing with a touch of grief first.  Whatever it is, I believe that God’s love is overflowing.  I just have to tuck in some patience and wait for God’s plan for me to unfold.

For now, I’m savoring the pain first.

just believe

Again

4 Oct

It’s been a while since my last post. Yes, I’ve been occupied with other stuffs, yet I have been looking forward to post something here, that once I find the time, it would be something newsworthy.

This is something newsworthy. But it’s not something new and definitely, not something I’m proud of.

I never thought it would happen.

Again.

Miscarriage”

That bloody word. I hate it. I hate how it has been creeping in my life. Twice in a year? Who would’ve thought it’d be me?

angelcry

The months whirred by so fast. During my last post, I was even scared of getting pregnant, then just a few weeks after, I was blessed to become one. I swear, I embraced it wholeheartedly, I was eating right, I was even afraid to exhaust myself too much. Only a few knew, mostly family. I was waiting till my 12th week of pregnancy, when we’ll proudly exclaim that finally, we’re pregnant!

My pregnancy was our perfect 1st year anniversary gift. On the 7th week of my pregnancy, we were ecstatic to find out that all signs are good, that it’s not a case of blighted ovum unlike the first. There’s an embryo, a fetal pole.  Oh my, that’s enough to make me smile a whole week.  But a day before our anniversary, on my 10th week, we found out.  The ultrasound reflected something bad. Subchronic  Hemorrhage. Again. The fetus was not growing.  Again. It demised on my 7th week.   And then, what sealed everything, there was No Heartbeat.

And that’s when my world crushed.

No one could pacify me. I was crying. I was going crazy, mad, actually. I could not say anything nor express my feelings. For the next 3 days after that, I was crying. Hubby and I still continued with our anniversary plan, but the whole trip was a nightmare, I just keep on weeping buckets and buckets of tears.

A week after, I once again underwent DNC. It’s been 2 weeks since the operation. The wholeness I felt of carrying a life inside my womb is now gone. The moment I gained consciousness after the procedure, I cried. The realization that there is no life inside me anymore.  I feel empty once again.  Am I even capable of bringing life to one?

Now I have to battle post-partum depression.  It’s trying to enter my life but I’m trying to fight it.  I let it overcome me once in a while, but it’s hard to get out of it, the moment I’m in.

Thank God for a hubby as understanding as mine. I realized, he’s also going through all these. He’s definitely in pain, too, but he’s trying, with all his might, to be strong for me.   He doesn’t say anything.  He just listens.  His presence beside me is more than enough.

I guess our babies are fated to earn their wings early to serve as angels in heaven. *sigh*

With the Lord’s guiding light, I know I’ll get through this.

Again.

message

Pregnancy Scare

16 Jun

Yes, I just had one.  For someone who just had a miscarriage, I’m probably one of those who is scared of getting pregnant at the moment. Although some people, after a miscarriage and even those who underwent DNC,  immediately gets back to the TTC bandwagon. Unfortunately, I’m not one of them.  Friends have been saying that there’s a 90% chance of getting pregnant after undergoing DNC (since as they say, my uterus “got cleaned”) and encouraged me to go whip up some baby immediately since the stakes are that high! I did not even attempt to check if this statistics is even true.

I am scared. Scared of getting pregnant at the moment. Are you asking me why? just read back and you’ll know why. Ah, you just did that and did not find any answers? Well, let me enumerate it for you: First, the whole experience was traumatic (actually it still is); Second, I think my body ai’nt ready for it yet (need to trim down some plumpness areas); Third, the experience got me all depressed and my hubby got tired of me crying out of no reason, mumbling stuff, whining and then cry some more; Fourth, hubby and I decided to prioritize some things first like the construction of our own house so our forthcoming baby will eventually live in our new house and we plan to beef up our savings first.  Well the fourth reason actually closed the deal for me, well okay, except for the semi-fifth reason that my younger sister pre-booked our whole family for my niece’s 7th birthday in Hongkong! It’s my family’s first out of the country trip and I don’t want to miss it just because I can’t board a plane if I’m heavily pregnant. It’s hubby’s first HK trip as well and he doesn’t want to waste his ticket, for sure.

So with these things in mind, hubby and I decided that we move it to early next year when I have fully recovered since it will be a year at least since the miscarriage.  So our birth controlling have been upswing lately. Nope, I don’t take any contraceptives, we’re doing it the Au Naturel way.

So what’s the pregnancy scare all about? it all started 2 weekends ago (yes, on my birthday) when after having dinner with my family, I was vomiting wildly and then suddenly got sick, with all the chills and aching body. I almost didn’t make it on my swimming party the next day, but I was glad that despite my headache and slight fever, I eventually got better.  Then exactly 1 week after my birthday, the weather was bad and everything, I suddenly got high fever, diagnosed with influenza, and stayed in bed for 3 days with a maddening headache than runs from my nape to the temples of my forehead. It was bad.  Really bad.   Hubby’s mom was checking up on me all the time and even checked my BP.  She gave the idea that I might be pregnant. Again. Yikes. She said that me getting sick may be one of the symptoms of pregnancy.  Come to think of it, this is EXACTLY what had happened to me last November 2010 when I got this sick also for 2 consecutive weekends.  The headache. The fever.  The dizziness. Having no appetite at all.  My UTI must be wreaking havoc once again.  Just the thought of it was enough to make me burst into a cry once again, getting all paranoid as I tell hubby that I can’t be pregnant, not this way again, since my fever was one of the reason why my ovum baby had slow growth and didn’t develop normally. I was already blaming myself for not taking care of myself more despite my regular take of vitamin C and folic acid.  And that IF I am indeed pregnant, I would definitely worry and that I’ll be worst than worst if I had another miscarriage again.  I was panicking. I was computing from my last period and even checking if I had our tables all wrong.

As I wake up this morning, still coughing terribly, my prayers got answered. I had my period 2 days early.  I breathe a sigh of relief. The Lord must’ve known that it’s not yet time.  When that time comes when I’ll be ready emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually, He would let me know about it and I promise, I’ll embrace my pregnancy whole-heartedly.

Birthday Wonderings

2 Jun

Yeah, yeah, it’s that time of the year once again. Shucks.

This year is the first time that I’ll be spending it as a missus.  For the first time, I’ll be waking up and the first live person that will be greeting me is my hubby.

When I was a child, back in my family’s home, birthdays means waking up to 5 gifts.  This represents the other 5 family members even though we all know very well that my mom all bought them and gift-wrapped them since my siblings are still too young to buy me gifts. Aside from that, the dedications on the gift card were all written by my mom. But nevertheless,  as a child, who cares right? As long as we have gifts to open, why complain? And as we grow old, each family member eventually gave the celebrant a birthday gift. So in our home, waking up to a living room with gifts to open, excites us! Birthdays also mean that you’re exempted from household chores for the day especially washing dishes. There are privileges as a celebrant, and it’s good that my parents made sure that if it’s your birthday, you are treated as a VIP.

Not that I’m complaining that it won’t be the same this year.  I’ll be missing it definitely.  But here I am, on the eve of my birthday, analyzing and assessing stuffs that has happened for the past 30++ years of my life.  As they say, I’m outta the calendar and into the lotto numbers.  I’m still a blushing newlywed and I’m still childless. My mom always say that age is just a number, yet, those numbers are bugging me that the higher it gets, the more difficult it might be for me to conceive.  I’ll make sure that as I do my birthday wonderings for 2012, it’ll be about my paranoia on motherhood.

How about some birthday resolutions? Yes, I do have and it’s a tough list:

1) Have a healthy regimen.

Jog. Bike. Walk. Sit-ups. No fraps. No icy pops. Sweat. Jumping Jack.  Whatever it is. I should have one. I’m in my biggest weight ever (the bedresting binging started it all) and it’s not the best way to start my birthday.  So this means, No Buffet also. oh no.

2) Build our house.

We’re crossing our fingers that our house will finally be completed this year! awww…we would love that baby no.1 will be going home to our very own house (if ever he/she arrives). So God bless our finances…

3) TTC some more!

Yes we are! we will! Surrender, I will, to thy husband! (whoa!) kidding aside, this comes with some sacrifices. I vow not to drink any alcohol from this day forward (actually, since it’s my birhtday month, I’ll start on July 1, harhar).  Thou shall avoid those bottomless margarita nights at Chili’s and Agave. Thou shall avoid being stressed! As if I can avoid this! Okay, no pressure with the TTC thing, we’ll promise to enjoy those TTC moments.

Okay, I’ll stop now since those above-listed are hard enough already to maintain till my next birthday.

As I wake up tomorrow, I’ll settle with my husband’s birthday hug and kisses and bug him to give me a birthday greeting on-air over Chico & Delamar’s show. Then I’ll greet my dad too since we both share the same birthdate and I’ll always chuckle when he answers me with the phrase “Same To You” and then I’ll re-quote him (we’re that weird).

My mom just gave me a call.  Telling me that all my gifts are waiting for me in our living room, waiting to be opened. So you know where to find me. I’ll be rushing home tom. Feeling like I’m 8 again.

love is bday